Maybe it's the fact that it's midnight.

 Maybe it's the fact that I just rewatched Daredevil. Maybe it's the moody, sad music I'm listening to. Maybe it's just me. But I've been thinking a lot about how everyone has different sides to them. Some ugly, some beautiful, some annoying, some vaguely racist, some naive, and some dark. You struggled to find the good in the things you did because the law told you it wasn't good. You struggled to see yourself as hero because it was hard to see the good in a pretty much grey world. What you did was a felony. Evil some might say. But knowing the full story, I know better, I know that despite your bloody fists, your broken body, the devils inside you, that you are good. I know that because of who you fight for. I know that things get messy and nothing is ever really black and white, but just because you live in a messy world doesn't mean your a mess. I'm not saying you're perfect, what I'm saying is you a good person.

I'm at a point in my life where I have to figure shit out. I have to know things about who I am and who it is I want to become. I have to choose which side of me to act on. But the things it's so hard to figure that out when one minute I'm the angsty, angry teen, the next a full fledged adult (maybe I'm being a little dramatic). One minute I'm fine then next I'm freaking out about all the tomorrows to come. But what i've figured out in these couple weeks of summer is that just because I'm unsure about things, about who I am, the road I'm going to take, my hair, my everything, that doesn't make me a mess. It makes me a person. Not unlike you. I mean you tried to avoid becoming this badass vigilante for such a long time. You fought to ignore the cries of your beloved city until you couldn't. And you discovered this new side of you. A side you probably repressed. A side you were afraid to ever explore. Now you're battling with morality, your morality. Because sometimes you let the devil out and you wonder if that makes you a devil or a hero. It's a fuzzy line not gonna lie, but I don't think you are bad. I think It takes more than some questionable moral decisions to make someone bad. I mean we all make some sketchy choices at one point or another.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this but I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to be a good person. And I'm worried about tomorrow. And I know you don't have everything figured out, I mean no one ever really does, you know, but you know yourself. I want that. You might not know where you fit, but you know who you are. You are Matt Murdock. You are an avocado at law. You are a badass, masked, vigilante.

Most people know what it's like to pretend. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be okay, pretend to be someone else. But you're on a whole different level of pretending. You legit have this whole other life filled with danger and chaos and hurt. I'm not trying to romanticize that life either because like Claire said martyrs always end up alone and bloody. But you chose this because you love Hell's Kitchen.You fall and get back up again, so determined to do what needs to be done to help the people you love and the city that you call home. I love that quote, the one you and your dad have, "It's not how you hit the mat, but how you get up".

I feel like right now for me, this quote is just perfect.  I feel like everything is happening too fast. Too many punches are being dealt out and I just can't block them all. Which means I find myself on my ass a lot. Maybe it's because I feel like my SAT score needs work. Maybe it's because I have course work I'm working on now. Maybe it's my "raging" teenage hormones. Maybe its some of the people around me. It's probably all of the above. I'm working on staying up. On just holding my ground. I need to remember that I have to get up and move on and just deal with life instead of holding pity parties for myself. I think thats something most people have to work on. It's human nature to be selfish and thus want to feel bad for ourselves. That's why we need to learn a thing or two from you, from Foggy, from Karen, from Ben, from Claire. We get up and fight some more. You have slightly bigger demons than me but you know the SAT is one giant monster.

Anyways Matt, I don't think this is going to be my last letter to you, I'm pretty sure you and I are going to be venting buddies, deep thought sharing people, or something like that. So thanks. Thanks for showing to me that life is going to shove some shit in my way, I'm going to get lost, I'm going to end up losing matches, I'm going to feel alone, but none of that matters as long as I remember that I can get over my obstacles, I can use a map, I can get up from the mat ten times stronger and all the wiser, and that being alone isn't the end of the world but that if i'm lonely I have every right to ask for help, to reach out. I have different sides of me. I choose to be good like you choose to be a hero. Our bad sides don't make us devils, they make us human. So thanks for that Murdock.

Love,

Dear Clarke Griffin,

      I take so many things in my life for granted. 

       The air I breath, the water I drink, the fact I never have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. You grew up on the Ark a ruthless place filled with stale air and rough people. You didn't get to experience Earth until you were sent here to pretty much die. And since then that's exactly what you've been trying to avoid. You are brave and kind and like Lexa said, a leader to fight for. You helped keep your people alive, even if that meant getting put in harms way, or giving up bits and pieces leaving you a little bloody and a little broken. I'm lucky. I got to have a childhood. I got a chance to be a kid and run around, be crazy, play pretend, not have a care in the world. I might have grown up too fast, but I never had the weight of countless lives on my shoulders.

        You know there's a part in a letter where you ask the other person how life is, how they are holding up. I already know the answer to both. You are afraid, anxious, worried about the war. Maybe even thinking about what to do about Lexa. Because underneath it all you're still a teenager, you're still allowed to think about things that may seem small at a time when spears and stuff are being shot at you. Everyone in your life is about to go into war, so i'm guessing they are also scared, and anxious. I can't help but think of what Bellamy said while back, "Who we are, and who we need to be to survive are very different things". There was a lot of sacrifice, particularly on your part to get to this point, to be able to win this war. I want to say something really cliche like it'll get better, you'll be stronger for it. And while they may be true I feel like you deserve more than an "it's okay" after what you've been through.

        You're one years older than me yet you are so much wiser and stronger than I could ever hope to be. You never asked to be a leader, but perhaps that's what makes you such a good one. You said recently that life should be about more than surviving. Amazing how things like war can put life into perspective. How frail and ephemeral it all is. You've been living in a perpetual state of war, fighting the grounders, fighting to live, and now a new war is here. I hope you find something that makes you happy because at the end of all the craziness, the battles, and the the gory moments of life, you want happiness. So if you find it I say hold on to it. 

        I wrote this this in math class. I mean who needs Calculus anyways? You would be in school right now. Maybe you'd be in college, trying to become a doctor like your mom. Instead you are making decisions that make you out to be ruthless while trying to save your people. I think you are bad-ass. Strange how in this world we still can't quite stomach equality between men and women, yet in yours there is equality and the chance for strong bad-ass women to be leaders. I guess what i'm trying to say is that you are someone we can look up to, respect. 

       The world today is crazy. The world you live in is even more so. Yet the battles seem to be similar sometimes. We all fight for love, hope we can find a friend we can rely on 24/7. We look for the happy moments in life. We try to do more than survive, we try to find reasons to live for and then proceed to try and be alive. It's nice to be able to relate to you. It's nice to see someone be so strong and move forward. So keep being a bad-ass.

Love,

Letter to December #13

Dear December,

Here we are at the end of the month, none the wiser but that much older. It's been a good month December, I guess I have you to thank for the chilly wind, and happy smiles. You know it's weird it never really to cold here in Southern California. It's always sunny and warm. But now it feels like winter, like you were actually here December. With winds colder than ice, and rain hitting our practically new coats. 

December, the end of the year has me so nostalgic. I'm thinking about the year that's past and it's actually been a good one. This year has been good to me, you've been good to me. You know how sometimes everything feels like it's in the right place and time and moment? That's kind of how I feel now. Everything I've wanted to do, I've done. Some of my favorite moments of 2014 I never planned, yet they happened I'm happier because of them. 

I remember going to Sara Barellies' Concert. I remember meeting John Green. I remember going to the Night Before our Stars. I remember my 16th Birthday. I remember doing my dance concert in may. I remember getting student of the Semester in English. This year has been filled with so many amazing memories that it's almost hard to let go of 2014. But I think 2015 will be better, I will be better in 2015. I'm excited to see what this new year will bring. There's always so much pressure at the beginning of something new. The pressure of the promise it holds, the potential you see, and the hopes you wish to be reality. 

Here's the thing though, although this is my last letter to you this month, In a year we'll be here December. You reading my letters, and me writing them. I want to make promises and resolutions for 2015, but I think I'll take what the year gives me. Make do with whatever life throws at me. And maybe that's the best promise I can make. 

I'll miss you December. Wish me luck!

Love Always

Letter to December #12

Dear December,

It seems that no good thing ever really lasts. Christmas has come and gone faster than I wanted it too. All this work is put into this holiday that ends up being nothing more than a day long. But somehow it works out. Christmas eve is filled with food and jokes and drama. While Christmas day is calm and happy and beautiful. 

For most people the big day is Christmas day. For me, December, it's Christmas eve. We have a meal, a movie, and plenty of conversation to go around.  Though if I'm being totally honest, there was some unforeseen drama that caught me off guard. It was kind of crazy and even a little more in like. It was at that point that I really wished that my life was anything but a movie is because if the issue had continued, let me tell you that this movie would have an interesting ending to say the least.

Regardless Christmas was good. It was great. It was a cold day by California's Standards. We exchanged presents in the morning. I loved seeing people's faces when the opened their presents, presents I have had planned out since the beginning of this month. I love how well my family know me. I mean My sister got me a Stitch stuffed animal. I'm a 16 year old girl who was really really happy to get a stuffed animal :). I'm lame I know. It was great. I love what I received as gifts. But the thing that makes me smile the most is the fact that these people, my family, my friends, took the time to look for something for me that they knew would make me happy. In the end that's all Christmas is. A feeling you get.

There's this thing we do on Christmas. Where we all stay in our Christmas P.J's and stay home and watch movies. As you know December, we go out into your chilly embrace to go rent movies. So that means that we (and I mean me) go out and rent movies in pajamas and bed heads. Needless to say I got my fair share of stares. Yeah...But I think it's worth it. That's usually the only outing we do all day. The rest it movies, food, and tea. That sums it up! It was great and oh so worth the wait!

December, i'm so happy with the way things are at the moment. It's been a little cray on the way here, but I think its been worth it. I can't believe that Christmas is gone and all that are left now are memories and pictures and things. But I guess it works out better this way.

Love Always

Letter to December #11

Dear December,

I've been thinking about how many times a day I say the word "I". I say it a lot. I think most people say it an uncountable amount of times a day. I say it too much, I think. It seems that I always find a way to bring things back to me. Like if i'm in a conversation about something random I seem to always say something like "I think", "I'm just saying", or "In my opinion". Lately I've been noticing this "I" take over.

It's important to have self value, it's important that every one know that they have a voice. But what i'm getting at is that so many people think  a lot about themselves and never once let themselves think about other people. Never venture into someone else's shoes. Never think in a different point of view. It seems that we all have just become our little islands. That's why you're so important December. That's why Christmas is so special.

It's during these cold days that we all begin to remember that other people matter too. That other people matter to us. That maybe instead of using  "I" all the time we can use "us" or "we". We think of others and we feel good about it. Christmas reminds us that bringing happiness to the people we care about, and maybe even those we've never met, or never will meet, is the best feeling. I know it's cheesy and corny, but that's what the holidays are about, saying the cheesy stuff, doing those simple corny things. I finished watching Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas, one of my favorite holiday specials, and I think a lot of us are like Donald Duck's nephews, focused on presents and ourselves.

So even though Christmas has become this very materialistic holiday it's important to remember that at the root of all the money and capitalistic gains, the whole point is to make someone happy.There's nothing wrong with stuff, everyone wants and needs things. It's just bad when all you care about is getting things. Like Donald Duck said "Christmas is about the hearts you touch".

December, it's toward the end, it's toward this festive season that humanity seems to show it's face after a year of being vacant. You help remind people that us humans don't actually totally suck all the time. Because lets face it people suck most of the time. Christmas is my favorite holiday, not because of the tinsel, the lights, or the food, well maybe the food. It's because I get to be part of something that makes the people who care so much about me, happy.

Now, I'm so excited that it's Christmas. Now, as you know December, this month has been crazy, but tomorrow all the craziness, all the work put into gifts, DIY stuff, food, will all be worth it. So yeah, And in typical Giselle fashion, I'm writing this late in the morning, with a nice mugful of tea :)

Merry Christmas, December

Love Always,

Letter to December #10

Dear December,

Sometimes all you need is a nice big breath, a cup of tea, and an afternoon of nothingness. Now, I've always been one to keep busy. I like running around doing errands, making plans, scheduling things etc. But for a moment, just a tiny one I sat down, tea in hand, and just relaxed and surprisingly enough I enjoyed my moment of nothingness. 

Of course, December, it didn't last long. I went to target not soon after to go Christmas shopping. With finals done, school on pause, I finally have time to get presents and make them. This is my favorite time of the year and it almost makes up for the head splitting-ness of finals week. But it got me thinking, maybe it's time for me to take a deep breath and look around me. I don't think I do it enough. 

People are always doing things. That, I think sometimes, we get so focused on tasks, that we forget the big picture. We forget that we are living breathing people who are living their lives. I know it's cliche but I don't think anyone really stops to smell the roses anymore. And then at random moments, we'll just think "Holy Shit, This is my life". For me it hit me yesterday. With a mug in hand, and nothing to do, it hit me that this is actually what i'm doing with my life, my time, my energy. And I wish I would have stopped more and just taken in the moments, instead of living life on super speed, busy as a bumblebee. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I need to be more in touch with the big picture of it all. I focus to much on the tiny details that won't matter in ten years. I focus on the small things so much I forget that I need to take a breather sometimes. But better late than never, right December?

Love Always,

Letter to December #9

Dear December,

There's a certain something that comes with the end of things. It could be that you just stop caring. It could be that you're in a rush to prove yourself. That's pretty much what finals feel like. This week, December, so many students embark on a journey that can pretty much leave you dead;finals week. Not fun. You see as much as I love you December, you bring around one of the most stressful times of the year. 

Okay so in my defense the internet is a pretty distracting place, but I've been majorly procrastinating on my studying. Maybe it's the Christmas-y feeling in the air, the inebrating amounts of junk food, or the Disney music i've been playing non-stop, but i'm not worried yet. My finals start on Tuesday so i'm waiting to notice the walls closing in on me. I'm waiting to freak out and have the "Holy Shit" moment. You know the one. The one where you're dumbfounded by you're a) own stupidity b)the pressure to do well. This is where some people just have a fuck it moment, and where others, like me cram, 

I know cramming doesn't help, but It's my comfort blanket. I can't not cram for things. Thankfully Disney music has kept me calm (for now) and somewhat happy. I mean you can't not be happy when you'r listening (and singing) "Zero To Hero" or "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" or "Hakuna Matata". You just can't. That probabaly why I listen to it during finals. I have to keep myself somewhat content and together. I can lose it after. I should take a hint from Timon and Pumba and just chill out. But I doubt that I could ever just live by Hakuna Matata, I worry to much. 

I worry. So I plan and plan. But then I don't stick to that plan so I worry and try and plan some more. Usually by like the third circle I got it, and I somewhat know what i'm doing. It just takes some last minute pressure to get me to that point. Which is pretty much where I am right now.

December wish me luck, I'll need it.

Love always,

Letter to December #8

Dear December,

It was cold and rainy and I felt like baking. It was an eventful experience. Mostly because my brother was baking with me. Yeah....

Yesterday was the 12 of December. For most people it was just another day. But for me and my family it was my mom's and sisters saint day. They are both named after the Virgin of Guadalupe. I'm the odd daughter out. My name is Giselle not Guadalupe like my mom and sister. My plan is to add it as a middle name later on in life. We'll see how that goes. Anyways, my brother and I wanted to do something nice for mom since it was the day of her saint.

My brother biked to Target got some cookie mix, cupcake mix and frosting. My dear little brother did his best as a baker, but the poor kid didn't even really know how to crack an egg. So I guess this was an educational experience for him. Like how you're supposed to watch the cookies as you bake. And you know, not let them burn. He still needs to work on baking skills but he's great at decorating :)

The cupcakes turned out really good. The cookies... not so much. I was washing dishes and my little brother was in charge of the cookies. We were in the final stages of baking so I was cleaning up. Then he asks for help and I tell him to wait because I was almost done, but he repeated his words and he was holding a cookie tray full of burnt cookies. So then I took the tray from him trying to find a space to but the tray down. The tray however was soo hot that I burned my finger a little bit. Note: If you ever get burned put tomato on it. It helps. All of a sudden the piercing shriek of the fire alarm went off and I starting to freak out. I put the cookie tray down on a chair and took the other one out, Thankfully Omar was able to turn it off.

Some cookies were salvageable. I couldn't stop laughing after it happened. All the while Christmas Music was playing. But regardless it's a nice, funny memory and to be honest quite a story. Life is a series of moments, some imprinted in out brains some lost in the corners of our mind, And December, I'm making some awesome ones this month.

Love Always

Letter to December #7

Dear December,

I walked into my second period class today and my Psychology teacher was playing Christmas music. As soon as I heard the cheerful melody of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town", I smiled. To be honest I really did want to sing along ;)

I remember one year in elementary my teacher made my class sing that song for a mini, informal, winter concert. Ever since then I've loved this song. Even when everyone was done with that song, I was ready to sing it once more with a giant grin on my face. Years later, I can still sing this song (badly) with a smile on my face.

December 9th marked the anniversary of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. I loved that movie, I watched it yesterday. Maybe it's the end of the year talking but I've started to feel really nostalgic. I used to love watching christmas movies and I could spend hours watching Rudolph, Mickey Mouse, Santa Clause, movies. I still can to be completely honest. But those little kid days...That was the life. We're all in such a hurry to grow up, leave our childhood behind and just be adults. We all want desperately to be taken seriously and want our thoughts and actions to be validated and often times it seems the only way we're going to reach that point is by being adults.

Then one day, you're re-watching old movies, drinking hot cocoa and suddenly you kind of get annoyed with your little kid self because they wanted to grow up so bad. It's not that I would want to change my childhood, I just wish I could have had more carefree time, more naps, more everything. I guess it's human nature to always want more

That's why I love you December, you remind me that it's okay i'm not a little kid. You remind me it's okay as long as I remain a kid at heart, as cheesy as that sounds. At the end of the day I still love watching Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas, eating cookies with a mug full of hot chocolate with sprinkles. You remind us it's okay to play in the snow and actually enjoy ourselves. Just because we grow up (admittedly a little rushed) doesn't mean we can't act like children and enjoy things we did when we were kids.

So who cares if your 20 or 30 or 40 or whatever really, you can still be a kid. You can shake off your responsibility for a couple moments of well deserved childlike fun. Because let's face it you've probably never laughed as passionately, as purely as when you were a kid.


Love Always,

Letter to December #6

Dear December, 

It's currently 11:30 pm and i'm very tired. It'll be tomorrow by the time you get this. I'll be at school, trying not to fall asleep, desperately clinging to my consciousness because I have in class writing, tests, and last minute teaching going on. 

School is crazy and quite frankly i'm really done with it. I know I have Winter break in less than two weeks, but right now amid all the cramming and bad teachers, I'm starting to freak out and wanting to just stop and take a breather. But as my APUSH teacher said this morning, "Now is the time to push yourself".

So here I am with no tea, not on my bed, and with no blankets or sweater near me. I'm not happy. I know it all be over soon, and I'll look back at this and just be glad I was able to say I survived. But until then I'm stuck in a circle of procrastination, going to bed late, napping, procrastination. Fun.

As much as I love you December, you also tend to bring the hardest weeks into my life. With finals and dealing with relatives on Holidays. But I just have to remember that some rough moments have to balance out all the hot chocolates, candy canes, presents, and all around festive cheer. I guess it's like they say, December, you need to have some bad to balance out the good. I think it's a good trade off, or at least I do once i'm on break. 

But for now it's time for me to go to bed and try to not hate myself in the morning for my poor life choices. Thankfully I have Christmas music on repeat and working on my master playlist! You can't ever really be sad while listening to christmas music, you know? 

Love Always, 

Letter to December #5

Dear December,

Sometimes you don't even realize how fast time goes until your standing and wondering where exactly it went. You kind of snuck up on me. I was just minding my own business thinking the end of the year was so far off, but in reality its not. Now I can feel the pressure to do well on my finals even more than I did last year. I'm kind of freaking out. 

It's starting too feel more and more christmas-y everyday. My family and I put up our Christmas Tree on Saturday. I decorated it with my mum, while everyone else slacked off. That's okay, I don't mind. Decorating is one of my favorite things. Once I finished the tree I put up tinsel and lights and ornaments and wreaths all around the living room. I went a little crazy. But I do that almost every year. I decorated my room as well. I have a mini Christmas tree, Christmas lights up with ornaments hanging them as well as tinsel. I LOVE IT. 

Isn't this beautiful! Lol this isn't mine, i'll put up a pic soon!

Everything is moving by so fast December, I don't know how to hold on to anything anymore. It seems the more I cling to my memories of yesterdays the faster time escapes me. I guess that just means I have to be more focused on the here and now. Like I was yesterday when I was trying to make it seem like Christmas threw up in my house. I even changed my screen saver to a Christmas print thing.
I was caught in the moment, letting life engulf me, letting Christmas thoughts whirl around my head. Maybe I should listen to Elsa and let go a little bit. 

Love Always, 

Letters to December #4

Dear December,

Change is hard to come by sometimes. Sometimes it just sneaks up on us. Sometimes its illusive. This is one of those times.

There is so much injustice in the world. I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with with it as often as other people. But as a Mexican woman i'm bound to deal with terrible people saying terrible things. As i'm sure other people have had to endure. The reason I wanted to talk to you about this is because of the whole thing with Mike Brown and Eric Garner.

It's so frustrating to hear someone's life being taken and no one doing anything about it. It makes me angry that so many people, people we're supposed to trust end up hurting the populace. It's sad more than anything. Because families are without members. Because there's one less person at the dinner table. Because a lives was lost. 

I'd like to think the world has come a long way. That we've evolved into good, better people. Clearly that not the case. In the U.S people are getting killed because of their skin color, Where's the fairness in that? In Mexico 43 students were murdered. Where's justice in that? People everywhere are rioting, and banding together in protest.  

Things are crazy. I look at the world and I get sad that things like this happen. I lose faith in humanity, I begin to think there is none left, just shells. It's hard to see good when all I ever hear about is bad. We hear about cyber bulling, murder, racism, sexism, rape...

Change starts with a ripple. People are making themselves heard. It's the first step, and hopefully real change will come of it. Everyone needs to play their part. People need to spread the message. People need to get informed. People need to listen to those who need to be heard. People need to taking action and not just sit around waiting for change to happen

Love Always,

Letters to December #3

Dear December,

I have the sniffles. I think. I'm a mess of cold symptoms. In other words I feel like crap. I hate getting sick. I'm not sure what i hate most, staying at home doing nothing but be sick or going to school and being sick. Both suck. But only one causes me more trouble. Staying home one day, means I miss a day of lectures, which isn't good considering we're down to the wire. 

It's weird the last three months have gone by so fast and I've been so busy the last three months. Like Blogtober14, or NaNoWriMo, and now these letter's to you.I always seem to be working on some sort of project recently. I'm not sure why that is, or if this little trifecta will repeat itself next year. I hope it does. As busy as I was and as much as I hated myself for it during those months, i don't think I've ever felt more capable or productive. It's a pretty awesome feeling. 

So I'm taking medicine trying to get better and making sure I can soldier the next day. Life goes on, sick or not you have to be there. Music helps, as do the blankets and sweaters that surround me. There's something nice in just laying in bed watching Netflix and being happy with life. It's a completely other thing to be laying in bed surrounded by tissues struggling to find something on T.V. For me, as much as I love being unproductive, I hate doing nothing. It's weird I know, I don't even thing I make sense. What i'm trying to say, and failing at, is that I might be unproductive and stuff, but that doesn't mean I want my day to be wasted doing things I don't want/need to do. 

Maybe i'm just being a complainer... Any anyway.... December, why am I always sick when you come to visit? It's quite frustrating for us both. I want so badly to just enjoy this time, but that cough is always holding me back. Hopefully i'll be up on my feet soon. 

Love Always,

Letter's To December #2

Dear December,

It's been raining like crazy all day. It never rains in Southern California. So seeing the pavement glitter, the bedazzled tree leaves, the gray sky, it's all kind of a novelty to us Cali people. Well it is to me. I love it though. I love the melancholy feel, the chill, the pure rashness of the rain. I'm just about the only one. Many of my friends hate this weather, and, December, I don't get it. 

I got wet today. My hair was stuck to my face and my sweater was darkened by the water. My mother was not pleased, but I was happy. I'm still that five year old who just wants to go splash in puddles and feel the rain on her face. It's strange how somethings just don't change. Like i don't think I'll ever just magically start liking carrots, or stop wanting to read. Yet there are so many aspects of us that time twists and rearranges. Like I have short hair now. I love reading contemporary now. I'm love artichokes. Most of the time these changes happen gradually until one day it's like "wait when did that happen". I guess it's true when they say that life sneaks up on you. 

I came home, changed into my p.j's and had some tea which was perfect for a gloomy day like today. I love coming in from the rain about just as much as I like playing outside in it. I'm currently wrapped in my blanket, avoiding the pile of homework waiting for me. December, the end of the year is near and there is a lot of pressure to make the last three weeks of school count. I'ts starting to get to me. The rain helps. Its just washes away my worries.

Love Always,

Dear December,

Winter's here, but you knew that already. I love the chill air, the gloomy days, the jumpers and boots. This is my season. I had this idea when I was watching Carrie Fletcher's Letter's to Autumn. I figured that you, my lovely December, might need some company too. So I find myself sitting on my bed, clutching a mugful of tea trying to type this letter out. 

It's been raining in Southern California. I can actually feel winter here which is strange because It almost feels like Autumn never happened. It never really got too cold. And now all of a sudden I find myself wrapped in sweaters and scarves. Oh how I love it! I'm excited for the month, to see what it brings. 

It's time to bust out a Christmas tree, sing some Christmas carols. It's time to look back on the year, now that it's coming to an end. It's time to buy presents and cram for finals. It's time for me to buy cough drops and movies. My life's been so busy lately, with Blogtober, then NaNoWriMo, and now Letter's to December. This year has been good to me, so let's end it with a bang.

Love Always,

Blogtober: Dear Future Me,

I'm studying for my Unit 2 Psychology exam tomorrow. I'm so tired I think its quite possible i'll keel over at any point and just start sleeping. Today has pretty much just been about school and the art of being tired yet lucid enough to learn. I've often day dreamed about the future in class. I've dreamt up how my life would look ten years from now and to be quite honest it changes every time. When I was little 26 year old me seemed so old and so distant I couldn't even really imagine myself that age. Now it's still far away but I have this vague sense of what might have happened and how far I am from my goal, my dream, the reason I try in school right now.

I've imagined myself in New York, yet I've also daydreamed myself in L.A, sometimes even in England. By now you probably graduated from university so Congrats!! You are now the third person in our immediate family to go and graduate from college! I bet you Mom cried. And i bet because you saw her cry, you cried, and because you cried various other people cried. And suddenly there were happy tears everywhere! At least that's how I pictured it. You might be frequenting cafe's, relishing in independence, or maybe you're visiting mom every other weekend because you miss the food. Both of which your 16 year old self is okay with. Maybe you're already a published author, Maybe you're still struggling, in which case KEEP TRYING. Dreams don't work if you don't. Happiness is a journey not a destination. Okay i'm done being a Hallmark card for now.

I hope you have a better sense of what you're doing because i'm not really sure what i'm doing with my life half the time. Maybe it's because I need time to see how important High School is or something but sometimes I swear I feel so very lost. I know what I want it's just that getting there is hard and sometimes I lose sight of my end goal and just meander my way down the path. Maybe this being lost thing is just an angsty teen thing. Or maybe it's not. Guess only time will tell. And maybe you already know.

I guess it almost be time for the high school reunion huh? Bet you're feeling old right now. Time to get all nostalgic about high school and the people we know/knew.Its bittersweet knowing that in a couple years the chances of me actually retaining the friendships I have now are slim. Eventually they will be people in pictures, people laughing in my memories. But that will be that. I'm pretty sure you're feeling old right now. I hope I get to find new people. And I hope I still keep some of my old peeps.

So my question to you, future me, is would 16 year old me be happy with you? Are you making me proud? Are you still as cheesy as I am? Reading YA as fervently? Still into indie music? Maybe as you're reading this you're listening to my old high school playlists. Amazing just how much a song can be. It can be part of memories and feelings and action.  I've always wanted to grow up to be a strong, independent, girl with dreams bigger than the moon, yet making them come true. That's who i'm working on being. I think I saw somewhere on tumblr a quote that read "be the person you needed when you were younger". Are you that person?

The big thing, the most important thing, is knowing that i'm happy. That somewhere down the line I find that invigorating happiness that comes from being alive and letting life engulf you. And that, that happiness is around me all the time. Not that i'm not happy now, but it's hard to think happy thoughts when all you can think of is a)how tired you b)how hard your test is and c)will this look good on college apps. In between that it's hard to actually let life just work it's magic and make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I do have happy moments though and they'v been pretty awesome. Their just a little harder to come by. Then again it's junior year. That's just what happens.  I just hope that me working now, and me working 5 years down the line, will work in getting you happy. To the place we both know I want to be in.

Maybe happy means that i'm not where i'd thought i'd be. Maybe it means i'm somewhere random. Maybe it means that i'm working two jobs. Maybe that means i'm not published. Maybe it means I am. What ever it is I hope I'm happy. And if I find someone to be happy with too, that even more awesome.

So go be happy future me. Go be you. Go do whatever it is you do with your day. Or go do some crazy shit! Drink some tea, have some coffee. Maybe do something spontaneous like go visit Alaska!

Hosted by The Daily Tay and Helene in Between

Love Always,

Dear Cole St. Clair

     It's currently past midnight. And I'm awake thinking about you and Isabel and wolves. And strangely enough I want some french toast and a mug filled with chamomile tea. I'm actually really tired and kind of want to sleep, yet I don't feel like surrendering today yet. I think you'd get that. So I decided that I would write you a letter, because I think you of all people will understand my midnight ramblings and because I just finished Sinner and you're on my mind.
     How's Jeremy? And Isabel? Leon? You know I've been thinking, I've lived so close to L.A and yet I haven't seen much of it. Maybe I should take your advice and become a tourist in my own city. After all, how else am I going to see it's pretty facade. I'll keep you posted. I'm listening to High Hopes by Kodaline right now. I think I have a serious thing for sad and depressing songs. But I think you'd like it. It's sad and it's got the melancholy hum that just draw you in. There's no booming bass or synth beats, just some drums, piano and a yearning voice.
      Weird how active your brain can be, even after the whole worlds fast asleep. I'm kind of waiting for some deep thoughts to happen, but my brain is stuck on food and you. Mostly food. This is the moment I wish my house didn't have suck creaky, squeaky floors.
      I know I've said this before, but characters are the voices that bring color in our minds. I read somewhere that sometimes you can even start acting like your favorite characters. I can seriously say that I've channeled my inner Cole St Clair this week. I've been sassy, witty, and been a little sad. I think part of the reason I love you so much, why I connect with you so much, is because you're fucked up and you're trying to fix yourself. For some reason, this week, reading this book I feel a little happy if not a little hopeful. You're trying to put the pieces back together and they might be a little ragged but they're there. And I love you for trying and making it happen. I see you and Isabel working so hard to be happy and be yourselves that it makes me want to try harder too. I'm rooting for you. I hope you're rooting for me too. So thanks for reminding me that it's okay to be sad, to cry, and to be a little messed up. *hugs you*
       I know you probably think this whole letter is a little cheesy, bit random, but hopefully a little endearing and nice. I have this picture of you in my head after your parents came back running away into your bathroom wanting to die. Saying you were born to die. I know you're happy now running out of cars while on the freeway, hanging out with the always fashionable Isabel, and doing music stuff. So for me, as a reader, to watch you go from a very low low to a happy ending, was a happy thing.
      I love how you made me laugh and cry and feel everything imaginable. I got a lot of weird looks in class whenever I laughed so i'm pretty sure people think i'm a little crazy. But that's all right, I was a little bit crazy before I read Sinner. Probably more than a little. So tomorrow i'm going to make myself some french toast and some tea. Shame you and Isabel won't be there with me. I make some killer french toast :).
     So this is it Mr. Cole St. Clair, this is the end of my ramblings. I'm not going to bed yet, but I think I've said all I need to write now. Maybel i'll write you another letter. Maybe this'll be the only one I ever write to you.  I just want to say I love you, keep on being crazy, and stay happy.

What did you guys think of this letter? About Cole St. Clair? 

Love, 

Dear Augustus Waters...

     A book should be simple right? It’s just a bunch of pages with scribbles in them. Nothing special whatsoever.  I think we both know that’s not true at all. Books carry messages and themes and motifs that we can relate to. They hold the power to make us laugh in the middle of class during a test or make us sob uncontrollably at three am. It’s kind of like when you read an Imperial Affliction. The book suddenly meant so much more than a thing with words in it, it was something kind of magical. That’s how I, and a lot of other people, feel about your story. 
   
  Your story. You deserve way more than the number of pages you got. But then I think about how many stories I've read and the lengths of each one. A short book doesn't suck because it's short. In fact, it can be amazing, full of wonder and myriads of great feats. And that super big and long book in the corner of the library, it could be the most boring thing in the history of the world. So maybe it’s not about how long your story is, but what you do with the words and pages you have? And I have to say you've done a remarkable job. I guess Gus, we just get lucky with time, with our talents and whatever, but in the end it doesn't matter if you don’t do something with it. I know you wanted to change the world, and make people remember you. In the end you did. You changed Hazel’s world, Isaac’s world, your parents’, maybe even Peter Van Houten kind of.And I think that, that is more than enough. Changing,impacting,influencing people for the better,well I think,and I’m sure many people will agree with me when I say,that’s a great way to live life.
     And outside of the book, in reality, you did leave your mark on the world. I mean come on, your trending on Twitter.  Obviously people like you. Like a lot.I guess the important thing isn't that people will remember your name but who you were as a person and your personality and whatnot. So thanks for being awesome. Don’t let that go to your head okay? Good. In the book it took 172 pages for all us readers to fall in love with you. And now you've made so many more people fall in love with you. Maybe it’s because you remind people that nice people still exist. Or maybe they just really like your somewhat pretentious but still lovable metaphors. I’m voting for the latter one.What can I say? I’m a sucker for guys who use figurative language in their day to day lives.
     I'm writing this at 1:00 am and I just ate a box of starbursts and I’m crying. Now I’m a professional fangirl and I tend to overreact just a tad when it comes to my favorite books and my favorite characters. Just ask anyone of my friends. But see the thing is characters,to me and a lot of other people, aren't just words on a page,people on a screen. They’re real people. They are as real as the book sitting on my desk and the person living next door to me.So you were my friend while I read the book and watched the movie and even after, and maybe I sound a little weird when I say this, but like I said I get overly attached to characters and I wouldn't have it any other way. Not because I don’t have friends. Because I do, I totally do. But because I love being connected to those whom I read about. There are some fictional deaths that you just can’t get over. Yours is one of them.  Maybe it’s because you seemed so real, or because we could all relate to you.  But either way your death broke our hearts. It was like losing a friend. But you, you reminded us that we don’t need to do amazing things to be amazing we just have to be good people and be remarkable for the people we love. And that’s more than enough.   
    I've been thinking a lot about what Hazel said about infinities. About how some infinities are smaller than others. I agree with her. Sometimes forevers aren’t forever and sometimes they far longer than eternity. I’m so happy that you got a small infinity with Hazel, your perfect girl. I guess what I’m trying to say is that each one of us who read this book, or saw the movie, or both, got to part of this small little infinity too. We got a mini infinity filled with Hazel’s words, your metaphors and Isaac's humor. And I guess I’m thankful for that. I think we all are.   
    So Gus, I wrote you this letter because I needed you to know what you and this story meant to me and people like me. And you mean a lot to us. You've all shown us what a great life is and what it needs to be and what it doesn't. This letter is kind of jumbled and all over the place but it’s like you said, “My thought are stars I cannot fathom into constellations". Gus, what is there left to say but you made me smile more than any other book character ever and like I said before, I’m glad John Green wrote this book and gave us readers a small infinity with you and Hazel.