Maybe it's the fact that it's midnight.
I'm at a point in my life where I have to figure shit out. I have to know things about who I am and who it is I want to become. I have to choose which side of me to act on. But the things it's so hard to figure that out when one minute I'm the angsty, angry teen, the next a full fledged adult (maybe I'm being a little dramatic). One minute I'm fine then next I'm freaking out about all the tomorrows to come. But what i've figured out in these couple weeks of summer is that just because I'm unsure about things, about who I am, the road I'm going to take, my hair, my everything, that doesn't make me a mess. It makes me a person. Not unlike you. I mean you tried to avoid becoming this badass vigilante for such a long time. You fought to ignore the cries of your beloved city until you couldn't. And you discovered this new side of you. A side you probably repressed. A side you were afraid to ever explore. Now you're battling with morality, your morality. Because sometimes you let the devil out and you wonder if that makes you a devil or a hero. It's a fuzzy line not gonna lie, but I don't think you are bad. I think It takes more than some questionable moral decisions to make someone bad. I mean we all make some sketchy choices at one point or another.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this but I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to be a good person. And I'm worried about tomorrow. And I know you don't have everything figured out, I mean no one ever really does, you know, but you know yourself. I want that. You might not know where you fit, but you know who you are. You are Matt Murdock. You are an avocado at law. You are a badass, masked, vigilante.
Most people know what it's like to pretend. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be okay, pretend to be someone else. But you're on a whole different level of pretending. You legit have this whole other life filled with danger and chaos and hurt. I'm not trying to romanticize that life either because like Claire said martyrs always end up alone and bloody. But you chose this because you love Hell's Kitchen.You fall and get back up again, so determined to do what needs to be done to help the people you love and the city that you call home. I love that quote, the one you and your dad have, "It's not how you hit the mat, but how you get up".
I feel like right now for me, this quote is just perfect. I feel like everything is happening too fast. Too many punches are being dealt out and I just can't block them all. Which means I find myself on my ass a lot. Maybe it's because I feel like my SAT score needs work. Maybe it's because I have course work I'm working on now. Maybe it's my "raging" teenage hormones. Maybe its some of the people around me. It's probably all of the above. I'm working on staying up. On just holding my ground. I need to remember that I have to get up and move on and just deal with life instead of holding pity parties for myself. I think thats something most people have to work on. It's human nature to be selfish and thus want to feel bad for ourselves. That's why we need to learn a thing or two from you, from Foggy, from Karen, from Ben, from Claire. We get up and fight some more. You have slightly bigger demons than me but you know the SAT is one giant monster.
Anyways Matt, I don't think this is going to be my last letter to you, I'm pretty sure you and I are going to be venting buddies, deep thought sharing people, or something like that. So thanks. Thanks for showing to me that life is going to shove some shit in my way, I'm going to get lost, I'm going to end up losing matches, I'm going to feel alone, but none of that matters as long as I remember that I can get over my obstacles, I can use a map, I can get up from the mat ten times stronger and all the wiser, and that being alone isn't the end of the world but that if i'm lonely I have every right to ask for help, to reach out. I have different sides of me. I choose to be good like you choose to be a hero. Our bad sides don't make us devils, they make us human. So thanks for that Murdock.