Maybe it's the fact that it's midnight.

 Maybe it's the fact that I just rewatched Daredevil. Maybe it's the moody, sad music I'm listening to. Maybe it's just me. But I've been thinking a lot about how everyone has different sides to them. Some ugly, some beautiful, some annoying, some vaguely racist, some naive, and some dark. You struggled to find the good in the things you did because the law told you it wasn't good. You struggled to see yourself as hero because it was hard to see the good in a pretty much grey world. What you did was a felony. Evil some might say. But knowing the full story, I know better, I know that despite your bloody fists, your broken body, the devils inside you, that you are good. I know that because of who you fight for. I know that things get messy and nothing is ever really black and white, but just because you live in a messy world doesn't mean your a mess. I'm not saying you're perfect, what I'm saying is you a good person.

I'm at a point in my life where I have to figure shit out. I have to know things about who I am and who it is I want to become. I have to choose which side of me to act on. But the things it's so hard to figure that out when one minute I'm the angsty, angry teen, the next a full fledged adult (maybe I'm being a little dramatic). One minute I'm fine then next I'm freaking out about all the tomorrows to come. But what i've figured out in these couple weeks of summer is that just because I'm unsure about things, about who I am, the road I'm going to take, my hair, my everything, that doesn't make me a mess. It makes me a person. Not unlike you. I mean you tried to avoid becoming this badass vigilante for such a long time. You fought to ignore the cries of your beloved city until you couldn't. And you discovered this new side of you. A side you probably repressed. A side you were afraid to ever explore. Now you're battling with morality, your morality. Because sometimes you let the devil out and you wonder if that makes you a devil or a hero. It's a fuzzy line not gonna lie, but I don't think you are bad. I think It takes more than some questionable moral decisions to make someone bad. I mean we all make some sketchy choices at one point or another.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this but I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to be a good person. And I'm worried about tomorrow. And I know you don't have everything figured out, I mean no one ever really does, you know, but you know yourself. I want that. You might not know where you fit, but you know who you are. You are Matt Murdock. You are an avocado at law. You are a badass, masked, vigilante.

Most people know what it's like to pretend. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be okay, pretend to be someone else. But you're on a whole different level of pretending. You legit have this whole other life filled with danger and chaos and hurt. I'm not trying to romanticize that life either because like Claire said martyrs always end up alone and bloody. But you chose this because you love Hell's Kitchen.You fall and get back up again, so determined to do what needs to be done to help the people you love and the city that you call home. I love that quote, the one you and your dad have, "It's not how you hit the mat, but how you get up".

I feel like right now for me, this quote is just perfect.  I feel like everything is happening too fast. Too many punches are being dealt out and I just can't block them all. Which means I find myself on my ass a lot. Maybe it's because I feel like my SAT score needs work. Maybe it's because I have course work I'm working on now. Maybe it's my "raging" teenage hormones. Maybe its some of the people around me. It's probably all of the above. I'm working on staying up. On just holding my ground. I need to remember that I have to get up and move on and just deal with life instead of holding pity parties for myself. I think thats something most people have to work on. It's human nature to be selfish and thus want to feel bad for ourselves. That's why we need to learn a thing or two from you, from Foggy, from Karen, from Ben, from Claire. We get up and fight some more. You have slightly bigger demons than me but you know the SAT is one giant monster.

Anyways Matt, I don't think this is going to be my last letter to you, I'm pretty sure you and I are going to be venting buddies, deep thought sharing people, or something like that. So thanks. Thanks for showing to me that life is going to shove some shit in my way, I'm going to get lost, I'm going to end up losing matches, I'm going to feel alone, but none of that matters as long as I remember that I can get over my obstacles, I can use a map, I can get up from the mat ten times stronger and all the wiser, and that being alone isn't the end of the world but that if i'm lonely I have every right to ask for help, to reach out. I have different sides of me. I choose to be good like you choose to be a hero. Our bad sides don't make us devils, they make us human. So thanks for that Murdock.

Love,

Top Ten Tuesday Books In My Summer TBR

1. To All The Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han. I've heard so many good things and the hype for the second book is insane. I see it everywhere. I really want to like this book!

2. The Retribution of Mara Dyer Michelle Hodkins. I've been so busy with school and life in general that I haven't been able to read this book. I'm honestly so excited to finally be able to read this!

3. A Little Something Different by Sandy Hall. I bought this a while back but once again school and books for review got in the way of this book. This books is just too cute not to read!

4. Neverland by Shari Arnold. I got this for review on netgalley and I'm so excited to read this!

5. Antigone by Sophocles. I have to read this book for my Lit class this year, but i've heard that the main character has got some major sass.

6.  The Murder Complex by Lindsay Cummings. Again i've heard so many good things about this book. Plus it seems totally badass

7. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. Again this book is for lit, but it seems really interesting. While I'm not so excited about the copious note taking that i'll have to do, i'm excited to read this book!.

8. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. Safe to say I was obsessed with the show and now I just need to read the book.

9. Red Queen Victoria Aveyard. This book just plain seems awesome!

10. Scarlet by Marissa Meyer. I read the first book in this series and for some reason unbeknownst to me I haven't picked up the second book yet.

Style Saturday: But First Coffee

It's all so crazy. I'm on summer break, getting ready with college apps, trying to figure out how to get a super awesome kick ass score for the SAT and the ACT, and trying to finish up my edits for my NANOWRIMO story. Yet all I seem to do is take pictures, read, and watch netflix. I'm not really sure how it works but someone told me that my mind wants to go 1000 miles per hour and my body just wants to chill and do nothing. Thus I am at war. With my tired body winning almost all of the time. Hence why this post is going up at 12:30. I went to bed at 3 and woke up only at 11. Go figure. I guess you could say i'm a little bit of a mess at the moment. A mess who very much needs her coffee in order to function right now. So guys tell me how are you guys spending summer?

Honestly I love this outfit. It's comfortable and breezy enough for a summer day. Even though it hasn't gotten to hot yet. Seeing as I'm mostly tired right now and the weight of expectations weighing me down, when I found this shirt, I thought it was perfect! I've been searching for a good pair of high wasted shorts and honestly I wish I had bought another pair, and this are awesome. I'm still searching for holy grail high waisted shorts.

Shirt: Gift-Similar Zazzle , Similar Look Human
Shorts: Forever 21
Fedora: Crossroads- Similar Nordstrom 

Mixtape Monday #1

So last year I did a lot of mixtape Mondays and I missed making playlists so I decided to bring it back. I figured since Summer Vacation is already here for a lot of people and on the way for other I thought it would be a fun idea to make a summer playlist and a few summer things to do. Sometimes it's important to set goals and do things that require more than just netflix and your bed, although there is plenty of time for that. So without further ado...

1. Spa at home day with friends or by yourself. School can be crazy busy and make life increasingly complicated so why not pamper yourself? You could go buy some face masks, hair treatments, pedicure/manicure kits (which also make great presents), and some junk food. 
2. Go stargazing. I've ALWAYS wanted to do this but I have never had the time nor had anyone go with. Hopefully I can convince friends or even siblings to do this with me. 
3. Try DIY projects. I usually start DIYing more into summer. Here are some things I want to try this year
• Make a Wipe of To do list 
• Sharpie Mugs
• A Hammock Chair
• Sugar Scrubs: This one
4. Movie Marathon. Because why not? I never have time to see movies that come out during the school year so summer is my catching up time. Plus who doesn't love popcorn.
5. Go for a hike. I spend most of my time being unhealthy so a hike would be good for me. lol

Now for the summer playlist!

Book Talk: Love and Profanity by Nick Healy

Release Date: March 1, 2015
Book: Love and Profanity
Author: Various, the books was put together by Nick Healy
Number of Pages:232
Series: No

The Basics:Here are more than forty short, brilliant, and unforgettable true stories from writers famous and on-the-rise. Here is the intensity of daily life. Here are transformative moments arising from the mundane. Here are strange and surprising tales that tap into universal truths. Here are teenagers in full splendor and horror. Here they are, bursting with love and profanity. 

Add it on goodreads 







My Musings:

So this book. You got to admit the cover looks super rad, with the tongue and the piercing. The title is really cool plus the fact that these are short stories from writers about their life. I thought for sure that this was going to a fast, amazing read that I would get to fangirl about. I was wrong.

Maybe this is me. Maybe the book itself is really good but I just can't see it. I wanted so much to love it and be a fan. I tried to look for hidden meanings and symbolism to try and make the mundane seam amazing. and not at all boring. I felt like a lot of the stories were just too bland for me. A lot of them were really short with no real meaning or anything I could take away other than "bro that's awkward" or "What? Than's it?". I'm used to short stories having plots and all of these stories had simple plots, like getting nauseous easily, having sex for the first time. That's not to say they were bad, they just didn't capture my attention and if they did get they let me down a little bit.

There were some cute "love" stories here and there that I really like. But to be honest I feel like if I wanted to know what a first date was like, or how much someone liked someone else I could talk to my friends about it. For me this was all too mundane and I didn't really see the so called "transformative moments" in every story. But I think that to the right person at the right time, this could be an amazing book to read, but it just wasn't it for me.

There were a couple stories that I really liked. Like the one about a girl walking to her dads house. I didn't really get all of it, but I liked it. I also liked the one about the guy who didn't drink. There were cool not mundane stories in here it's just that most of them are about day to day life and for me, a person who reads to experience life in a different not boring way, this book wasn't for me. I wanted desperately to see the profound meanings behind the stories but I just couldn't see them. That's not to say they weren't well written, I just didn't always like the subject matter, or the simplicity of it all.

The over writing structure of the stories was good. The way they were put together were good. The only thing for me was the subject matter. I felt like it was lacking some depth but mostly I just didn't find some of the stories intriguing.

My Rating:

Coffee for this book: Cappuccino. That espresso will help you keep reading.

Top Ten Books I Would Want To Be Made Into Movies

Okay I LOVE this TTT! I'm super excited for this list but I got to tell you it was hard to come up with. It has to be a book that you love so much you need a show, or a movie, and the book series itself. Like there has to be a strong level of devotion for this to work. So without further ado here is my top ten!

10. The List by Siobhan Vivian. I think this book is such great social commentary. I love everything about this book and I think it's a message that should transcend books and movies. We can judge people as much as we want, but our opinions are baseless unless we know them, which we almost never do. I think that this book as a movie would be a great emotional movie and I would totally watch it.

9. Crash and Burn by Michael Hassan. So this guy, Crash, stopped Burn from bombing the school and so he's all famous and wrote a book. Crash talked about a movie about him coming out. I thought it would be so cool to see that come true. Like actually have a movie about him just like he said in the books you know?

8. Cinder by Marissa Meyer. (Review Here). I would love to see the world that this author created on the big screen. I want to see how cyborgs work, how it all works. I have my imagination and that's enough but it would be cool to see my minds picture projected onto a screen. I feel like its just such a cool retelling with an amazing world.

7. Imaginary Girls by Nova Ren Sumna. This books is so creepy and good and crazy and dark and twisty, I LOVE IT! half of me wants this to be a movie so I can have more people to talk to about that twist. It's a crazy a story filled with mystery and it would make a killer thriller.

6. Fangirl by Rainbow Rowel. THIS BOOK IS JUST SO GOOD I CAN'T EVEN DEAL. It's just one of those stories you just love. I love the characters and I honestly think Cath and I would make awesome friends. I even wrote a Harry Potter Fanfic once! lol I think this is a story that should be shared and I love reading it but having it as a movie would just add another way for me to revisit this story.

5. Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. I love this series so much and it would be awesome to see all the action sequences played out, as well as the actual places up on a screen. It's such an amazing story and it would be great to see it played out. Plus I love the characters.

4. Graceling by Kristin Cashore. This would be an action-y, crazy, movie. Kasta is such a kickass, strong, women who can fight her own battles and is smart. She is awesome and I would love to see a movie or show where the main character is a badass woman who is capable, strong, and isn't some damsel in distress. Yes there is romance, and I ship her and Po hardcore, but it's not all there is to this book. There's so much more. Plus Po accepts Kasta and her cold, detached, badass nature, which helps me ship them even harder lol. I would love to see Fire, and Bitterblue as films too obviously but if I talked about all of them It would take up so much space. If you have not read this series, finish this post then run to the closest library or bookstore and get this series. It is amazing!

3. The Body Finder by Kimberly Derting. I think this would make a better T.V show than a movie but I still love the idea of seeing this on the big screen. A story about a girl who can find dead bodies, and tries to catch a serial killer, all while trying to figure out her own life and feelings for her best friend.I think this would be super cool. Like a crime show but with a paranormal twist.

2. The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan. This series is amazing! Creepy and incing all at once. Like I'm pretty sure I would die if I was in this book, but I love reading about the characters and their lives. It's a story about zombies (unconsecrated) and a broken society. It follows first one group then their kids. It's super interesting and crazy. The romance is on point, it's not the most important thing, but it does play a role.

1. The Mara Dyer Trilogy by Michelle Hodkins. I mean come on. This series is amazing!!! It's got mystery, a cool/creepy factor, romance, paranormal stuff, and awesome, badass characters. Mara is such a great person and I just love her so much and I wish I could give her a hug, actually I wish I could give everyone in this book a hug, well the good guys anyway. I have to say Noah Shaw *swoon* is my favorite. He is just so badass but kind, tough but sweet. You just gotta love him.

Top Ten Tuesday is Hosted by The Broke and Bookish

Motivational Monday #5

So I am not dead. But i'm very sorry that I've not been posting. I blame school and testing. But now that summer's started I will be posting on schedule :) Okay but enough about me.

So this is probably the nostalgia talking, but I picked this quote because this summer is the last summer I have to just be, next year i'll be picking out a bean bag for my dorm in college and  I will be figuring out my classes and I would have said goodbye to my favorite teachers and my friends. It's more than a little scary. But with all the day dreaming about the future comes the nostalgic, sometimes tear filled glimpses into the past. This includes me cleaning out papers and binders and folders from high school and middle school. Yes I am a pack rat. And I found little notes and quotes and random little writings. I kept them. Mostly because it's nice to remember the stupid things we talked about, or the stupid boys we all liked, and the not stupid quotes that I still love. And maybe I realize that they aren't that stupid. These tiny things made me happy. These tiny things made me remember when my friend and I went to yogurtland without parent permission and ran all the way back to her apartment only to find my mom waiting for me... It made me remember about how my friends and I would sit in a circle and talk about our lives. About how we would fangirl about TVD, Once Upon a Time, Reign, etc. About how we've been sitting at the same bench for three years. And how we have one more year filled with more tiny memories that will stay with me like the post its I found in my freshman year binder.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that life moves fast and you have to look back sometimes and remember the good stuff, the happy stuff, and sometimes (most of the time) you have to notice the small things because they tend to be the more important things. I mean do you think i'm going to remember what I got on my chapter ten test in AP U.S History, Probably not. But I'll probably still remember how my friend drew me a starbucks frap with my name spelled very, very wrong, because I complained about how starbucks people can never spelled my name right. Yet  at the time my grade mattered infinitely more than the post it. So enjoy the small things, the things you might not find important at the time, the things that make you smile during the day. Because when it's all said and done those are the thing you remember and want to remember.